The horrors of flat hunting in Melbourne

We have been in Melbourne now for around 8 days, arriving to rain and hailstones it was a very Melbourne welcome. I feel I can only apologise for the lateness of this post, however, it has not come because of laziness but because we have been so busy attempting to find ourselves a flat!! So I am sorry, to all you loyal readers, but boy do I have some funny stories for you.

Iain and I have been on the hunt for a flat and some flatmates (doesn’t matter which order) for some time now, we began our hunt whilst we were in Sydney. We want to live with people before living on our own, we’re still young and are in desperate need of some friends on this side of the world, but, living with people you have never met is very difficult as you know absolutely nothing about them. We used flatmates.au in the hope we could find the perfect flat with the perfect people, but not everyone likes to provide a lot of information about themselves, which is how we ended up with a couple of funny stories to tell.

Flat number 1; we viewed a flat in Southbank, Melbourne. This was our first flat viewing and potentially the most confusing, this is where we learnt that you cannot access a lift in a new high-rise without a key fob, news to us. We ended up wondering around the floors which other people got out at, (because we couldn’t get onto the floor we wanted, to find the stairs – which they didn’t have. Good first attempt.

Not only did we have a nightmare attempting to get into the flat, but the flat itself was an odd situation. Firstly, it felt like a hotel room.. you know the ones with one bathroom a small kitchen and bedroom? One of those. There wasn’t even a TV, but, the worst part about it was the woman who lived in the other room, her room was so small I thought it was a one-bed flat before the girl who was showing us around pointed the door out (Iain found this one).

The flatmate who showed us around the apartment seemed nervous and very hesitant when we asked to meet the other girl, she knocked on her door (albeit very frightened) and backed away very quickly saying she’s asleep let’s go. The other girl (after some time) popped her head around the door, without saying a word and stared at us. Her room was in complete darkness and it looked as though she hadn’t left that room the whole time she’d lived there, it was somewhat of a pit, she barely spoke and the other flatmate looked terrified of her. Flat 1, was a firm no.

We had to laugh at our experience with flat hunting as it didn’t take long for us to come across another character.

Flatmate was a great app, however, you don’t really know who you’re going to get as the flatmates or landlords can say as little as they like – which is how we ended up at this next place. A beautiful location placed in the centre of the art district, quiet yet great for me as an artist.

This was a similar situation with the fob and the lift so instead of attempting to find the apartment we waited for the woman to come to us, a perhaps 40-year-old lady (this was not on her profile) who was definitely on the acentric side of life. Not to be ageist, but we want to live with people our own age so instantly we knew this was not for us but went along with it for the journey, what a journey it was.

This woman was nothing short of bonkers, she was definitely living her best life. Before we were allowed up to her apartment she interrogated us on the reception sofa, a literal interrogation – it felt as though I was going to get deported at the end. As she showed us around the block, the pool, the BBQ area and the gym we begun to understand that she loved being out with her friends and drinking, she spoke about going to the casino for most of the conversation and how she would rather be out drinking with her friends than doing flat viewings (for her own flat!!). When we finally got to her apartment, Iain made a comment that threw me off and made me almost burst into hysterics (self-control on fleek).

We walked into a very small 2 bed flat, with a large bookshelf taking up the whole wall (and most of the flat), sculptures were placed all around the living area including a sculpture of Einstein’s head (he apparently watches over the flat), a painting of the Mona Lisa and a chest of drawers in the kitchen (cosy). The bedroom we would have been renting was tiny and the balcony looked straight out onto the freeway (highway). It is fair to say there was literally no room to move around and you’d never be able to get away from this bonkers woman, who by the way had a fridge full of Moet champagne. “I love the way you’ve done the place up, every flat we’ve viewed so far has been really crammed and had furniture everywhere but yours is very spacious” I give you, Iain the comedian.

Finally, there is one flat I’d like to share with you which I came across during one of my evenings of flat hunting, this beautiful room in Fitzroy, Melbourne for around $100 dollars a week.

They’re effectively asking for money to sleep in a prison, the person living there should be getting paid to stay there!!

Bad experiences aside we have found a house, in the perfect location with the loveliest people (hopefully not serial killers, sorry guys) it has everything we want, including a BBQ (never had so many BBQ’s in my life!). The only thing it is missing is all the things you forget about, such as bedding, as we cannot take the duvet (dooner) of our bed at home and steal a couple towels from our parents house every time we go home (sorry mum, but I swear my brother does this).

We ended up in K- mart, and then IKEA, and then K- mart again. We didn’t buy a duvet or bedding, to be honest, it was somewhat unsuccessful and we were both so grateful Iain’s friend was with us or we would have had a showdown on our hands in the middle of K- mart. We simply couldn’t decide on what size of the duvet to go for so we’ve decided to wait it out and make a decision another day, I think another trip to IKEA is in order (hopefully we can steal some pencils).

Places we viewed

Docklands – Free tram service right to the city centre but no park/green space

Southbank – similar to dockland

South Yarra – Green space, great location and just all round great place.

Things I have learnt

People are terrifying

We are more normal than I thought

Flat hunting is EXHAUSTING